Pain is addictive. Especially if it is all that you have known. You crave it when it is gone. What is happiness ? Such an alien feeling...so much outside of my comfort zone.
Whenever I laugh, I see myself drift over the ceiling of the room and have this out of body experience where I am looking at someone laughing - without feeling the happy feeling I should be feeling. Like I am a spectator who watches people be happy - "happy" which is an alien feeling I don't know.
But it is not like I want to be happy anymore. I have acclimatized to pain and sadness. It has strong nostalgia for me and I feel like I am a child again, back in time. I need to be my best, I am the most productive when I am in pain. Because that's how I became a workaholic.
Recently I got married to the most loving and selfless person I have known, moved into a new house which is right out of a magazine. And I cant shake the feeling that I don't deserve this ... I keep feeling that something better go wrong right this moment or my head will explode.
Well, it is not like I am depressed. Because I never wanted to hurt myself or anyone. Also when things ARE going wrong - I am visibly happy. I am cheerful ! Saying hello.. have a nice day to random people I meet in SF downtown while walking to work. It is the familiarity. I very recently realized why I was successful - it is because you have to always be struggling to fill that void in your life. It drives you .. but for me that is familiarity and the comfort that make me feel "at home".
Hiraeth. I want to just go home ...but there is no "home" anymore. So this pain that reminds me of home is a good replacement. Give me more or else I might lose my identity.