“Life is an unusual teacher. It gives the test before it teaches the lesson.” I had read it somewhere a long time ago. But now I can actually understand how apt this aphorism is. Somewhere deep down I wish I had known these lessons since the start but I guess I was destined to learn them the hard way. However I have seriously no regrets, whatsoever.
Now when I look back I am surprised at the daring decisions I took; I never knew I could be so brave. I never knew the extent of my mental strength until a few months back. Like I didn’t take admission in any engineering college despite getting ranks everywhere(except IIT), I dropped out of the best
I am not fooling anyone. Yes it was tough. At least initially I found it unbearable. Going to Narayana, sitting in the class, looking at the same faces, the journey in the van-‘hate’ is a very mild word; I simply abhorred it! I was prone to going into depression any moment by the time it was October. I was simply clueless where to go and what to do. I just wanted to run away from this life. But something inside me constantly told me- “You just cannot wimp out Manee! You have been a fighter and you always will be.” It was the question of my self respect in my own eyes. I just had to stick it out, and I’m glad I did.
The most difficult part was recognizing the problem. I just could not figure why exactly I am not able to perform the way I expect myself to. After the first phase got over at Narayana, I had got the 8th rank. My Maths sir said “good” to hear my rank, and I felt it like a slap on my face. To me it seemed that he considered it a big deal that I could manage to get that 8th rank. I hated the fact. I wanted the first rank and nothing lesser. I was disappointed but soon I forgot about it. After that I began my study with a renewed vigour coupled with anger over my earlier laid back attitude. But slowly I was drifting to sorrier ranks and it made me more frustrated to find that the more I studied, the worse rank I got. By then I was so frustrated that I had lost the ability to differentiate between right and wrong. It was November and I inwardly cursed myself for not listening to others and taking admission this year itself. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. Until one day it struck me that I should call my friend Nitin and ask him about his drop year. It was my instinct that I should do this. Suddenly I had a surge of happiness and hope just by having this idea in my mind. That was the turning point.