Sunday, April 20, 2008

Struggle Story - Part I

“Life is an unusual teacher. It gives the test before it teaches the lesson.” I had read it somewhere a long time ago. But now I can actually understand how apt this aphorism is. Somewhere deep down I wish I had known these lessons since the start but I guess I was destined to learn them the hard way. However I have seriously no regrets, whatsoever.

Now when I look back I am surprised at the daring decisions I took; I never knew I could be so brave. I never knew the extent of my mental strength until a few months back. Like I didn’t take admission in any engineering college despite getting ranks everywhere(except IIT), I dropped out of the best college of DU and ended up as a dropper. There was no logic; just plain simple instinct. I have followed my instinct whenever I was confused about what to do next.Right now I have no clue how well it has worked but it has surely worked wonders for my self-worth. I have this great feeling of contentment for living my life my way, taking my own decisions and the even messing up things the way I wanted to. Not many people get the chance to do that and then curse others throughout their life for what their statte is because of others. I believe that I’m plain simple lucky. Another amazing thing about the past year is the fact that I have spent hours together, days together alone with myself, talking to the wall hangings, taking long walks on the ‘hawamahal’ terrace and discussing my plans with the sky, the birds and the plants. I was so much engrossed into myself that I had lost touch with the world and I guess it was a wonderful period of time to discover a new me. This was a period of complete isolation, and I knew it deep down that I will never get this chance again. I mean how many minutes in a day do you think about yourself and just you? In our busy life we need a cell phone or a TV or the computer all the time to be constantly in touch with the world. Even when we sit alone we think about other people and other things. I knew it that this was my only chance to find out what I am actually made of. This one year would either completely make or break my career. But now at the end of it I am a new evolved me and the whole journey is so priceless that I actually don’t bother about the outcome of it. The journey itself has given me so much that the end result cannot make much of a difference to my contentment and happiness (although it surely can prove to be the icing on the cake !).

I am not fooling anyone. Yes it was tough. At least initially I found it unbearable. Going to Narayana, sitting in the class, looking at the same faces, the journey in the van-‘hate’ is a very mild word; I simply abhorred it! I was prone to going into depression any moment by the time it was October. I was simply clueless where to go and what to do. I just wanted to run away from this life. But something inside me constantly told me- “You just cannot wimp out Manee! You have been a fighter and you always will be.” It was the question of my self respect in my own eyes. I just had to stick it out, and I’m glad I did.

The most difficult part was recognizing the problem. I just could not figure why exactly I am not able to perform the way I expect myself to. After the first phase got over at Narayana, I had got the 8th rank. My Maths sir said “good” to hear my rank, and I felt it like a slap on my face. To me it seemed that he considered it a big deal that I could manage to get that 8th rank. I hated the fact. I wanted the first rank and nothing lesser. I was disappointed but soon I forgot about it. After that I began my study with a renewed vigour coupled with anger over my earlier laid back attitude. But slowly I was drifting to sorrier ranks and it made me more frustrated to find that the more I studied, the worse rank I got. By then I was so frustrated that I had lost the ability to differentiate between right and wrong. It was November and I inwardly cursed myself for not listening to others and taking admission this year itself. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. Until one day it struck me that I should call my friend Nitin and ask him about his drop year. It was my instinct that I should do this. Suddenly I had a surge of happiness and hope just by having this idea in my mind. That was the turning point.

1 comment:

Siddharth said...

"I have spent hours together, days together alone with myself, talking to the wall hangings, taking long walks on the ‘hawamahal’ terrace and discussing my plans with the sky, the birds and the plants. I was so much engrossed into myself that I had lost touch with the world and I guess it was a wonderful period of time to discover a new me"

You style of writing is impeccable... loved it, the whole of it!