Friday, July 24, 2009


I don't know what has got into me. The once patriotic me has begun to hate this place. I am ashamed to call myself an Indian. I detest calling myself the native of a country which smothers you with its preposterous unwarranted principles in the name of so called Bhartiya Sanskriti and parampara. I refrain from barfing when I hear many an instance of injustice done to the general public by these supposed guardians of law (policemen). A law which is blind as well as deaf and dumb. I am filled with utter contempt for this Hindustaan when I see people tensed about their young children pondering over 'whether be gay or not' and maligning of culture only because some people got the right to choose their sex partner without being dubbed as criminals.

Yeah right. Mera Bharat Mahaan. Na Jiyo, Na jeene do.

I am fighting with myself everyday not to get furious when the government officials demand unreasonable amount of bribes from my parents to get simple official work done such as just forwarding a file. I'm trying my level beyond the fullest not to lose my temper when these self proclaimed protectors of morality threaten me to take me to thaana (policestation) just because I was sitting in the parked car with my male friend at a public place talking. Anything for a bribe you see!
I am so sick of this great traditional cultural country, that I find myself planning how to settle abroad at the earliest. Where at least you can choose how to live and people don't threaten to throw you out of the city if you marry the one you love.

That is why brain drain happens. Outside the boundaries there are countries where you are asked about your talent before your age. They believe in getting the work done. There is at least transparency and you can climb the success ladder without having to play dirty politics unlike in Indian Government Institutions.

I don't know whether to run away and dump this country for good, or stay here, enter the system and become one of 'them'.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

...'Coz Lifez Lyk Dis!

I never thought life will bring me here where all my convictions will go into a conflicting battle of ethics and emotions. Nothing in this life is an absolute right or wrong. If you stand like a third person and suggest "so and so should have been in this and that manner" you are the most outrageous person to do so. You cannot know a situation until and unless you are in it yourself. I am feeling like a fool to think that there was a time I felt that I could decide everything that should be done in a situation. But this thing called life throws at you much more than you think you can handle. Always. Once you recoil after being foiled, you sit back and analyze your perspective about life. And then you find out whats wrong. One thing is constant- nothing is absolute. Nothing is pure black and pure white. There are millions and millions of shades of gray. And being human we are prone to misinterpret every shade from another which is a nuance darker or lighter. I'm human and no matter how hard I try, I fail to understand why life is the way it is. Why does it have to make you do the things you decided you wouldn't be driven into?

Exactly. You sit down and decide today "No matter what happens, I will never do XYZ (some random thing)  ever in my life". Next day your life will begin to weave that web to trap you into it and there you are... busted! So you dare to think you are the master of your own life? I believed that too. But this 'thing' makes me realize there is someone watching over me and telling me "What you see here, believe here, is not the truth."
Everything changes when you yourself are put in the situation you saw your friends in and probably pitied them...or looked at them with contempt ...or simply laughed at them. But when the origin shifts, like in Math, positives can become negative. And vice versa.

I know what situation I am into, and only I know what it feels like to be in it. Nobody's philosophy helps because I know the burden of decision is on me. Its never as easy as it seems. I have been fooling myself enough about "ethics" until I was zapped into my face "there is no such thing as that!"
No I am not complaining. Its an epiphany I wanted to share. With those who have been through it, or are yet to go through it. All I have to say is "Just NEVER judge any one's actions."  You don't know what is driving him/her to do that. If a man has murdered his friend, he doesn't have to be cruel. There are other options to. Infinitely many. Human mind is so small to comprehend all this.
All this just makes me want to break away from my set of 'principles', 'beliefs', 'ideals' and what not. Its all trash. You build them for your whole life just to see the next generation spit on them. Its not what life is all about. I don't exactly know what it is about, but its certainly not this. 

I'm losing it now. Gotta find a new me. And soon.

The Unequal Love

Oh! I get so nostalgic,
when I look at you today
you sigh and close your eyes
I too had felt this way.

Like the way my smell
inebriates your mind
I too had drunk once
love potion of same kind.

You look into my eyes
And say you love me.
Its a feeling of deja vu,
you remind me of me!

You sing to me those love songs
and ask for a coffee on your knee,
It reminds me all the time
I am no more what I used to be.

Your madness, love and devotion
fill me with pleasure, joy and guilt.
Who knows what lies beneath the earth
over which skyscrapers are built.

I wish I too were as mad
I wish I too could go crazy
I wish I could respond to
your subtle advances of intimacy...

...I know I drove you to this
I know I am to blame.
I don't wanna hurt you now.
But don't wanna play this game.

Well honestly, I have not been liking the quality of poetry I have been doing lately. I believe it should be effortless. I really did not put any 'effort' in improving the quality of this one, so at places it may seem too mediocre. :(

Monday, March 9, 2009

Stolen Passion

One poem that I came across, which coincidentally gives words to my deepest emotions towards 'him'...

Oh, give me back the passion
That left with your embrace
It wasn’t fair to take it
To remove it from it’s place

It’s mine, I want it back
It’s the thing I can’t forgive
Of all the things you’ve offered
Only the passion deserves to live

Oh, give me back the passion
That came from your burning kiss
Hungry lips are a dime a dozen
But the passion I sorely miss

I can forgive you for the heartache
I can forget your thoughtless greed
So take back your honeyed words
It’s only the passion that I need

Oh, give me back the passion
Born of your whispered dreams
You can keep the sexual notions
But the passion I must redeem

As the only gift you gave me
Stirred as emotions in my soul
And they flowed through me like an elixir
Through my veins to make me whole

Oh, give me back the passion
Flamed as fire in your urgent touch
So deny me of your caresses
But the passion I need so much

Why would you want to take it?
For in you, it has no use
But for me it heals the hurt
It’s a voice to express my views

Oh, give me back the passion
That you awakened as forbidden desire
Just keep the words I’ve longed for
But in stealing my passion…you’ve stolen my fire!

Leria Hawkins

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Psst...have you seen him?

It has been a little over an year now, and I haven't had even an itzy-bitzy-teeny-weeny crush on someone. I know its not a big deal for most, but for me, who survives on romance, its a big deal. Its been ages since I last found myself sighing and day-dreaming, longing, imagining etcetera.
Maybe its just growing up, leaving the inebriating teenage behind. But its surprising nonetheless, since I even joined NSIT in August last year,a place overflowing with guys and hopefully most with an above average intellect. But so far, abso-fuckin'-lutely NOONE has turned me on...intellectually. Yes, they are all JEE crackers and CEE winners,but the sheer ability to rote and quote does not qualify them, or anyone for that matter, as intellectuals. I doubt the fact I could have found a better bet in the IITs, a place I well-nigh abnegated for being in NSIT.
The big sad part is that I am at least two years behind (due to late admission+one year droppie) and it virtually makes me feel I'm stuck with kids of different shapes and sizes. Maybe thats the reason I am always eying the seniors, much to my disappointment there too. I am like desperately searching for a 'man' in the whole of NSIT for one harmless reason of "being good friends with" ( not for tying the knot or anything,please DO NOT misinterpret my interest in you...for Crissake!!) as in a perfectly platonic relationship. But it seems convincing Mayawati to retire from politics would've been an easier task.
What is a 'man' to me? If mother nature is not in the mood to play with your X and Y you can be a consummate male biologically. I am not doubting anyone's sexual abilities here, I'm not even remotely interested in that, so if I say I am not able to find a 'man' I mean it completely in the non-physical, non-biological and non-chemical sense (Your testosterone secretions don't interest me.).
He is someone with strong opinions, even if they are different from mine, a person who can stand up for himself. I do not imply standing up and hitting someone with his fist, but he is able to present his individuality without insulting or undermining the opinions of others. He has a strong personality and his presence alone makes an impact. He doesn't have to shout, but people listen to him. He is modern, yet has strong ethics, mainly the respect for women; Basically a certain degree of respect for everyone, old or young. He should not feel the need to lie because he knows his actions aren't wrong. He is excellent at whatever he does, knows how to talk his mind.His ego should be under his control ( a rare quality which even I am trying to acquire). He should be someone I can look up to.
Hm mm. Difficult to find certainly. Okay why only a guy and not a girl? Number one. I get along with guys better, they are more translucent (if not transparent). Many girls get along with me, but I get along with few girls. The fact that I hate to gossip drastically reduces my chances of having a good female friend. Number two. I already know a few girls who are amazing and are very good friends of mine. I shouldn't be asking for more.
So far there has been no success. Just false alarms of diamonds shining but getting closer I discover it was just a piece of broken mirror reflecting light. I am not giving up- its against my nature. I am consoling myself by thinking it will take more time and patience to find such a guy, probably he is camouflaged amongst the non intellectuals and it will take time to peel off the layers of disguise. I hope there is at least one such man.. and that I find him soon. :)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

post-Writer's block

The first semester in NSIT was rather uneventful contrary to what I had expected. Occasional ragging, intermittently attending classes during bunking hours, numerous 'can-I-have-your-number' encounters and a few birthday party type sprees do not qualify as 'events' at all.
However, most of the time I was left retrospecting as well introspecting. Especially during those flat 3 hours I spend in traveling in metro, up and down.
The journey in the metro is not tedious and its definitely not boring. At least not for a people-watching-over-analyzing-ruthless-observer as me. I admit its fun to try to read their thoughts when they make those faces. Like the man who almost jumps off the running metro (had the windows had no glass) when asked to get up by a woman (you know those new "Only for ladies" stickers pasted in every compartment.) Or that 'oh-so-intelligent' young man who walks past all the queues and stands right on that red mark (showing the flow of passengers deboarding the metro) in the middle of the two yellow arrows where he was supposed to stand.
Phew! Anyway, once I get the seat (by sheer luck) I sit, put my headphones on and begin to listen to the songs in my E71. That is the time I go deeper into my thoughts, and have an urge to write. This urge lasts as long as I get down at my destination. After that its only today that I have been able to bring it home.
While listening to songs, I find myself shuffling through the songs, stopping only to listen to the lighthearted carefree non emotional ones. Plus I have this funny urge to spot the 'good-looking' guys around, a rare sight, and this just for the heck of it. I may not have the slightest inclination of going beyond just throwing that one look, but it still is fun nonetheless. Most of the times I end up spotting the guys checking me out, followed by me reasoning with myself that all they want to do is just 'see'. They have this peculiar pleasure in just staring and staring and staring. Love has got nothing to do with it, and I know its never gonna be the way I thought (long back) it was supposed to be. Then I notice I have become way too practical (for good) and I kinda like this non-attachment sort of attitude. Maybe its good coz its easy and painless. Or perhaps I have learnt what life teaches everyone- to never act on impulse(read as emotions). We all know it- we are supposed to be hard headed. Life robs us of the joys and pure ecstasy of that 'first love', the excitement and thrill of that 'first kiss', the madness and devotion of that 'first relationship' and the sheer selflessness of the 'firsts' in our life. After that,once we fall (the lucky ones just stumble), we dust ourselves off and start again-this time with the mind more in the greater picture and the heart under "special thanks to".
Maybe its just a trick. To make dying easier.
Whatever it is... I still haven't figured it out.
Oh, by the way
Happy new year :)