Sunday, September 25, 2011

BLOG archives : Happiness- I chose it



I wrote this in August 2006. It is posted in my old blog. (Closed for public viewing). Thought of sharing it. :)


No, I don't acknowledge this.You can't be abysmal beyond repair.You cant be fallen so deep that you cant rise.You cant be so full of tears that you forget how to smile...you cant be so lost that you cannot find happiness...If you say you have seen the worst and now have no desire to live...I'm sorry..But I would only pity you.You are then selfish...So selfish that you cant see the worse that has happened with others...But I don't blame you.You cant see beyond their masqueraded outward expressions..And what lies beneath.
You cry as your mother scolded you? Think...About those who have no mother.You brood as you have not been able to score enough marks ?Think of the thousand trials of Edison before he succeeded in making the bulb.You weep as you have been eaveteased ? Think of those who were brutally raped and killed.You sulk as you believe noone loves you? Think of those who have died...For love...Think of those who have sacrificed their whole life for the one they love and then got nothing in return..But they don't complain.Love is unconditional... They know;you should have known.To how many people have you given this love that you expect to be loved ? What right have you to be dismal when your sadness is just a fragment of what people have seen in their life ? How can you claim to be the saddest when there is so much of misery in the world ? What have you done to make somebody else smile ?You feel insecure as noone trusts you?...How many times have YOU trusted somebody ?
Ask yourself,have you begun to take pleasure in pain ? Isn't it that you want to remain the way you are ? You want to drive everyone away who stops by to take your hand...Love you...And cry with you?You don't trust anyone enough to do that,do you? Then you have no right to assert your grief.Because you have voluntarily chosen it.And you will take it with you to your grave.So live with it.
Yes,as cliched as it may seem,its true; happiness is a matter of choice.And happiness comes not from doubt and loneliness...It comes from trust and a spirit to love and sustain relationships-not to let them break apart.Why should you let anything change your love, your friendship..Your feelings for anyone with time?Why do you let the flow of life take you downstream with it into the depths of despair you being a mere puppet in the hands of destiny?Why don't you rise..And fight...fight your sadness....Ignore your pain and exaggerate your happiness?Take a break from your crying..And go on...Make somebody else smile...You will feel better.Do something good; not because later you wanna pity yourself althemore...But because somebody else's happiness gives you peace.Stop your sulking...And trust somebody...Tell someone you trust him so much that you can give your life in his hands...And you will see the tears of happiness in his eyes...And a sharp streak of contentment runs through your heart...Yes that is equivalent to giving that person the right to betray you...But betrayal, pain, lies...This still is a part of life,and you cant escape it.You cant live your life running away from life itself !
Live laugh and love...Open your eyes and see...One person can make your life beautiful...And that person is you yourself.

Monday, July 25, 2011

AA: Assholes Anonymous



Anonymity is a false sense of power. A sense of advantage you gain as you protect yourself from being exposed to judgement while conveniently passing ruthless judgements on others. Anonymity allows you to show your true feelings without the fear of marring your reputation as no one knows it is the person, who sweet talks to them in real life who is spewing venom on them via obscure channels. It gives the nameless a peculiar sense of joy and victory.

The first time I came across these anonymous stalkers/abusers was when I was in class sixth. I got a phone call from a girl who asked for me. I said I was speaking. She said “I want to kill you. You will die. I hate you.” That was the first moment I realized I had the power to make people so jealous that they abhor me. She called on a regular basis, I usually disconnected the call. I told my mom about it and the next time she called, my mom talked. She kind of counselled her in a weird way and the girl was so defenceless that she blurted out who she really was. That was a shocker. She had been my classmate till class 5th and had left the school. She was always so nice to me- too nice I now recall. She could only muster the courage to spew her venom on me when she was safely round the corner. It became a laughing matter in our house and soon she stopped calling altogether.

I know it is not exclusive to me, but I have had a plethora of sms/call anonymous stalkers too. The most recent one just sends hilarious abusive smses (hilarious as they hardly make any sense-just an effort to put together all swear words he/she could think of). Ignore is the word here. I mostly delete them without reading now. Another one is emailing me all kinds of ‘shit’ about my sexual life, alleged. I shouldn’t elaborate, but this is a clear case of frustration of not being able to attract my attention towards him. From what all he writes, it seems he is in my college and finds me both irresistible and detestable at the same time. You know that feeling? Wanting something badly and knowing you can’t? That. I replied to him once, but I noticed he cannot understand much. He has a monotonic thought process – calling me a sl*t. I reported him spam. I also have a strong reason to believe he is the same person who shit talked about me on gausipp.com – simply because the words and thoughts and the information he has is exactly the same.

Gausipp.com was a more public platform for anonymously badmouthing your acquaintances or friends even. But it gets boring after a while- same set of expletives for different sets of people. It gets repetitive and unimaginative. It was, hence bound to be shut down. It did. An empty blog now rests at its place.

I happen to have created an account on formspring.me and there is a sole soul asking me questions about my vital assets there – anonymously. I don’t see how wrong that is in any way, but it sure is pusillanimous. I have friends who asked me that on my face and I give them the answer. Judging by the questions from him hovering around the same topic, that person, apart from being a coward, seems only to be curious about me. I don’t see much hatred in his words. But now it has again bored me, I have simply stopped replying out of the ennui.

Finally, about the anonymous frustrated soul commenting on this blog of mine. In order to encourage honest thoughts about my writings, I have deliberately enabled anonymous comments. In the few of my previous posts the commenter seems to be highly opposed to all my viewpoints. At first I thought it was a healthy discussion about the image I seem to project and what I really am. And then I found a tinge of that ‘hatred’ in his words – something I learnt to recognize after my class sixth encounter. I knew it, that he was not worth the effort. My next reaction was amusement. I laughed at his desperation to prove me good for nothing. It was followed by boredom and subsequently irritation, exasperation and exhaustion. I am now in the ‘ignore mode’ for him too. No more comments shall be entertained, and if I find them too whiny, they shall be trashed.

Life is fun when you are hated. It brings an eerie thrill, a spice to the mundane life. When you know you are envied, you begin to value the things you have, you begin to savour the position you are in. It is exciting, enticing to be a part of an imaginary scandal.

On the other hand, I believe the timorous and the worthless resort to the anonymous channels to vent out their bottled up chafe. Anonymity is like the crutch of the fainthearted. Anonymity is cowardice; Battles are fought dauntlessly, face to face. I fear no one and nothing and I say what I feel on the face of the one I feel it for. I am even rather infamous for this ‘bad habit’ of mine-saying everything on the face as it is. Most people like to shut up in such situations and become a blabber mouth in the absence of the one being talked about. I know such people. Such people are always too nice and sugary on your face. But it’s plain slimy to me. I can't be them.


Update 26July: I now have a fake profile on facebook.

Looks like someone so desperately wants to be me :P

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The streak of raw passion




You think you know me just because you know my name
You think you see me cause youve seen every line on my face
You want to want me just because I say that I want you
But does it matter if anything Im saying is the truth
You need somebody, somebody to hold on to
But this aint the movies and we aint heroes.


and the lines...

The night is fading, like my old tattoo
A heart and a dagger, that says 'forever'.


-Bon Jovi

So what do you do? Listen to your heart? Because I always have. No matter how preposterous the choice may seem. I follow my heart. And 99 out of 100 times I am right. Women have instinct, they say. So, it IS true. It just should be.

They also say that 'seek and you shall be given'...God really answers beautifully. I can say this about all the questions I have ever asked Him.

I am confused. But listening to the heart is the answer, is my answer. The heart can't be wrong, right?


Nice lines though.... : "...Khud ko jala du teri aahon mein..."


And yes, Happy Birthday to me :)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Connoisseur of Beauteousness



I love to watch beautiful women. Now I understand that it is an odd statement to make considering I am myself a woman. But I assure you, I am straight. I love to watch everything God has created. When I am alone, I love to see the wind blow through the dappled greens of the trees, the way a squirrel rushes up and down of it. The birds in the sky…the clouds – each with a different story to tell. Isn’t all the beauty of the world overwhelming? Sometimes I just feel my heart can’t take it anymore and it would just explode with wonderment!
Woman – God does take time to create some beautiful faces. This is dedicated to that pretty lady I saw in the women’s compartment of metro in the blue line while returning from college. She had snow white skin, exquisitely shaped nose, rose pink petite lips and a tall scrawny frame. I kept watching her for about 30 minutes right from Dwarka mor to Rajiv Chowk station. Now you must think me a pervert!
These days it is so difficult to appreciate a woman if you are a woman yourself! That day I scared off an old school friend of mine - because I asked her to grant me the access of her albums on facebook – because she is so beautiful. Hah! Obviously she got freaked out and I got totally mortified, is it not unfair that it is considered unnatural for a woman to be able to appreciate another? Why is ‘envy’ the only feeling that is considered ‘natural’ between two women? Since I am not supposed to whine in this post, I would abstain from mentioning how hypocritical this thing is.
This picture above in my post is of Amelia Vega who became the Miss Universe in 2003, when I was in 8th standard. I was gaping at the TV screen whenever she appeared on it. The female body is so beautiful – God’s best creation I’d say. So mesmerising.
I think I must stop telling women how beautiful they are because it just gets creepy. I am never in a position to explain it to them that ‘Hello, I am straight as hell – I have enough crushes to prove that to you’ but….er… it’s awkward. I think I must keep my distance now. Sex is so overrated – people think attraction = sexual attraction. There are men whose faces and bodies too I adore, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to go to bed with them! So is the case with women. (I was checking out Barbara Mori as much as Hrithik in ‘Kites’). I attribute this habit of mine to the fact that I am the daughter of an artist. My mom has always appreciated the female face and body. I have seen her sketches of the nude study. And that perhaps is the reason of my liberal attitude.
So I think people should just start thinking beyond the baser instincts of the man. Appreciation of beauty has nothing to do with my hormonal activity per se.




Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I love India. But I loathe Indians. Such hypocrisy! Such double standards! I am stuck amidst a world of pretence and plastic usool aur aadarsh!

I came to know about a family that had lived near our house. They were husband and wife and two children, a boy and a girl. The sister of the wife used to live with them. She could not get married because the society ‘thought’ there were illicit relations between the sister-in-law and the man. But I ALWAYS thought, our orthodox society is very judgemental, it needn’t be like that. A healthy friendship, a sacred relationship could exist.

Now the daughter (let’s name her ‘ansy’ and the sister in law –who was much younger to her sister- let’s call her ‘nitty’), was of my age. She never went to college and did some correspondence course. But ansy and nitty were ALWAYS busy gossiping about me, what I wore and where I went. They assumed I was characterless and sleeping around (would they be shocked to know that I am in my 3rd year and STILL a virgin?), and I assumed it was because they have nothing better to do. Nothing that I write here is an assumption; I have strong reasons to believe in what I believe in.

Just a day or two ago, from reliable sources, I came to know that there was ACTUALLY some physical relationship between nitty and the man. And I was shocked, not at the human temptations and their pitfalls, but rather at the fact that they could assume such stuff about others! They could call other girls characterless and on what basis?

Maybe a person who is a strict almost ascetic orthodox, if such a person dislikes the outgoing nature of a woman, it may be understandable. But what double standards man! Why would you comment of someone else’s sexual lifestyle if you yourself are so base? And this is just one family’s story I am sharing.

I used to believe, living chastely as me, untouched is the Indian way of life. If not all, at least 90% of the women are like that. But now there are too many facts (not hearsay) to prove how wrong I was! This Indian society is a huge stage where people are playing the roles they no longer adhere to in real life. Well I have NO PROBLEM with anyone’s sexual preferences! I only dislike physical intimacy for the heck of pleasing your outer senses while your heart feels nothing. But it’s downright irritating to see Indians talk shit about females who speak their mind, go out of the house to work or simply refuse to be servile enough. Typical male chauvinist pigs are abundant in the land of the Kama Sutra.

Then my belief of some quality in a place like NSIT was also shattered to ground when I came across the internal website of NSIT - gausipp.com. Nothing but who and who is a slut/bitch/whore is all that that goes on there. Men abroad, I am sure, do not call the girls of their college by such derogatory terms if they wear short skirts, or get a professional photo-shoot or simply exist as a pretty girl. Such hypocrites I tell you!

I want to leave this country as soon as possible. Whatever. It sucks being a part of a huge social drama where people impose the standards that they themselves refuse to adhere to. I am outa here!!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Infidelilty



Fetters of customs and morals
The world, full of chains...
Crushing the truth every moment..
A lie is what remains..

Following my heart blindly
What if I cross that secret line?
And turn this world over
in the race to make you mine?

Hearts are pounding slow
The stars are shining bright.
It would be a sin to let go,
and fall down low tonight.

What if it's a divine plan,
and with me, you belong?
What if it's a grave mistake,
and forgotten before long?

It is the God forbidden apple...
and it's an offence for us to bite
But I'd rather stay in hell forever,
To be with you for this night.