Sunday, December 14, 2014

.. And then, I woke up.

It feels like I am wide awake after a beautiful dream. I was fast asleep and back in the dream everything was beautiful. I had friends... I had a loving perfect family. I was happy, I was content. Everything seemed to have a meaning, a purpose and even the most mundane things felt pleasurable. I doubted it... yes, it was too good to be true. But I was lost in the bliss. I was a fool and I was in love. I did not see any flaws in anything and anyone.
But now I have woken up. And it is not even half as rosy. Like you were deep in slumber and someone gave you a caffeine shot. You want to go back to sleep but you can't. You try and it just doesn't happen. And the truth is bare and uninteresting. It is naked and hurtful. Maybe it is my mistake. Maybe I ruined it and that was not a dream, but rather another reality which I transformed into this one by a string of callous decisions. Was I ever, at any point mean and selfish that now I am merely paying a price for it? Or have I known too much of this "truth" to be rendered incapable of feeling the emotions that had made that very dream so beautiful? I somehow understand Olivia Dunham. She overcompensates for everything. I can see my reflection in her actions and decisions. In Peter Bishop's words, "She is always trying to make up for something...correcting an imaginary wrong." It is probably that.
I have tried to deny it, but the feeling won't go away. I have to keep running ... before it catches up with me.