Sunday, December 14, 2014

.. And then, I woke up.

It feels like I am wide awake after a beautiful dream. I was fast asleep and back in the dream everything was beautiful. I had friends... I had a loving perfect family. I was happy, I was content. Everything seemed to have a meaning, a purpose and even the most mundane things felt pleasurable. I doubted it... yes, it was too good to be true. But I was lost in the bliss. I was a fool and I was in love. I did not see any flaws in anything and anyone.
But now I have woken up. And it is not even half as rosy. Like you were deep in slumber and someone gave you a caffeine shot. You want to go back to sleep but you can't. You try and it just doesn't happen. And the truth is bare and uninteresting. It is naked and hurtful. Maybe it is my mistake. Maybe I ruined it and that was not a dream, but rather another reality which I transformed into this one by a string of callous decisions. Was I ever, at any point mean and selfish that now I am merely paying a price for it? Or have I known too much of this "truth" to be rendered incapable of feeling the emotions that had made that very dream so beautiful? I somehow understand Olivia Dunham. She overcompensates for everything. I can see my reflection in her actions and decisions. In Peter Bishop's words, "She is always trying to make up for something...correcting an imaginary wrong." It is probably that.
I have tried to deny it, but the feeling won't go away. I have to keep running ... before it catches up with me.


Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for quite sometime. Couldn't find you on facebook though :/
- Admirer from the city next door.

Anonymous said...

So beautifully written...
I can't express my thoughts as elegantly as you did yours, but I have experienced the same feeling - the mental haze and then the piercing daylight that follows. It is even worse, when the cause of the haze isn't even aware of what he/she is doing to you.When the daylight does come, you wonder whether to regret what happened or to just somehow escape from the bittersweet agony of the past...

Anonymous said...

Wow it's been almost a year since I last commented on your blog.
But here I am still working through the emotional fog.

It's fine most of the time, though the crush is still here.
My mind manages some thoughts without you in there.

Not a lot has changed in the year that went by.
I still don't know the real you and we aren't really friends, you and I.

But some things went well, I'm glad I finally met you.
I had thought it would be a let down but you were much more than I pictured you.

Part of me wants to tell thee identity of mine,
It thinks you will be smitten by these lines.

But then logic kicks in and brings me back to my place
Reminds me that Miss Fakri imitates this beautiful face.

Matcha sounds great, maybe someday,
and on that wishful thought lets enter binge watching Fringe to the fray?