Friday, October 9, 2015

Because everything changes...but somethings are irreplaceable.

Sometimes I think I just think too much. Maybe it is supposed to be simple and I just cannot stop finding meaning in even the most mundane things.

I have always been the listening ear to far too many people in my life. I adjust too well sometimes - many times pushed to the boundaries of my own comfort because I just cannot say no to people. Also, I am the most vulnerable person when it comes to something like guilt - a close friend jokes, "if there are hungry kids in Africa, Manee will feel guilty here for even that". Well that sums it up pretty nicely. Everything that goes wrong around me somehow gets very perfectly rationalized in my mind as my fault. Something that I could have done better. Something that I could have done differently.
And obviously something will always be imperfect - which means I will always have some reason to feel guilty.

And all I needed was for you understand this about me. How I want everything to be perfect and ideal. And I wanted this, most of all, about us. That we will be perfect - the perfect love story that I had imagined for us, always. And I know this sounds stupid ! There are imperfections in every one of us. We all make mistakes - and I have done some blunders. But I am not sure why we cannot forgive.
Because I like things to be ideal and perfect - I believe in giving people the chance to be their most ideal self - no matter how many iterations of stupid mistakes it will take. You cannot live your life holding on to some mistakes you made (or someone else made) and judge everything on the basis of that. I have forgiven you and I want to be able to forgive myself someday.

Everything is temporary - everything is fluid. One day I will not exist and all this madness will be forgotten. So if you are too scared to be hurt - you can live a life of extreme caution where you refuse to be vulnerable. But then you wouldn't have truly lived. The root of my bravery is my extreme fear and my ardent detest for any kind of fear. I would hate to be a person who is too scared to feel again. But I am not sure if I would ever be able to feel the feeling that I had felt for you once. Somewhere amidst all my rational reasoning - there is this romantic who wants to do something as stupid all over again just because.